Snowflake-Fractured Smiles

If there is one aspect of me that remains undecided, it's my feelings in relation to all things Snow. I don't snowboard, I don't like the cold, and I haven't sat in a sled since I was 11 or 12, yet there's something about its harsh beauty that does bring a sad smile when it settles on the ground.

Even now as I write this, I sit at an angle so as to look outside and perhaps this is why I find myself undecided. For love is something that can be experienced and felt no matter when or where you are, whereas my love-affair with snow is shackled by the knowledge that were I to venture out into the cold embrace of winter, much of the affection would be lost and I would find myself hoping for a warmth-induced demise.

Life is full of instances like this. You spend a great deal of time telling yourself you love something with all your heart and that all you see is its beauty, but it's only when you must distance yourself and look upon the situation with a practical eye that you begin to realize that much of what you've felt is a self-styled smoke-screen. And with this realization comes the knowledge that love is not something that can be felt with distaste and discomfort.

That's not how life works and it's no way to find happiness.

I used to smile at the idea of snow and laugh at the memories it conjured of a childhood well-spent. But times change, and so do people. Thus strikes the epiphany that an aspect of nature that held so much of me in my youth is not so relevant anymore. This is life, it's change, it's the mystery of the human mind. But it isn't love.

Were I to love snow, it would be something that would spur me to cloak myself in layers before leaping into its arms for the sake of my happiness. Yet here I sit, content to admire a superficial beauty from behind a pane of glass. That alone speaks volumes; volumes which I hear and understand.

I've often considered my opinions towards love in the emotional person-to-person aspect in much the same way. There are times when something about another raises feelings and memories of a long-forgotten past and spurs us forward, no matter who we are in the present. Time will pass and eventually the infatuation fades and we will be left alone to wonder why. If one doesn't know the reason, then this will be the cause of much uncertainty and despair for it will seem that we are changing faster than our mind and feelings can comprehend.

For some, this will continue to last. The reasons will evade them, and so will the knowledge of what brings them happiness as they try to understand why the past holds no present happiness. They don't see that the past is the past for a reason, and it has brought us to who we are for a purpose. We took steps to become this creation we've molded- how foolish it is to assume that our happiness lies in what was.

There will always be some amount of allure in our memories of the past. There will always be the nagging thought of what might have been had we not changed so. Such is the nature of humanity as we struggle daily to find our place in the world, and there are days when the present takes on the face of a harsh reality, but the answer is not to crawl in the shell of what was. Life, love, happines...these things take courage. And courage is a necessity of the present and our goals for the future, but it holds no place for what has come and gone.

Love is something that we work towards, something that we identify by seeking those with qualities to be admired. That admiration comes from a shared trait, one to which we can tip a hat and silently say "Well done.". At times it's hard to remember who we are in the present, so we grasp at straws and cling to another with loyalty to the past. We see naivety, youth, innocence and we remember who we have been. But love isn't found there, for this person too will change and a time may come where you realize there is not so much holding you together anymore.

I was asked once why I thought so many fell into relationships that never lasted. This is my answer to that question. You see, there comes a time when everyone moves beyond the innocence of youth and becomes who they are. It's a harsh road and a difficult process, but it's worth every misstep and error for in the present we can find happiness in the knowledge that who we have become is something we've been striving towards for so very long.

So the next time you feel a surge of admiration for another, take heed. For it is there that happiness lies waiting, not in a long-forgotten memory of who we used to be.

There comes a time when everyone changes, which is why professing love to what one "Might someday be" is a dangerous road to travel.

In time it will be my turn to profess a feeling of love, but it will not be the snow-struck memories of a child. It will be the concious realization that my admiration is rightly earned by one who has worked tirelessly for who they've become. A love that is framed in who a person truly is...that is a love that cannot, and will not, ever die.

And that is a happiness we should never stop searching for.