The 15 Best Movies of 2016 (and the 5 that should die in a fire)

As always, I’ve taken the time to compile a list of my favorite movies of the year. Usually I’d put a bit more work into this (as seen in 2015 when I ranked literally every movie I saw over the course of that year), but come on now. We can all stop pretending that you guys actually care about this. Much like older men whose rather repellent jock lifestyle has died and forced them to relive their days of sexual conquests with constant retellings, I’m writing these down for the best reason of all: So that I can remember them for the beautiful and enjoyable experiences that they were. Obviously, the humorous jock analogy died over a sentence ago and should now be ignored. Welcome to my “best of” list for 2016.

THE BEST

1. A Monster Calls: What can be said about this movie to best illustrate its placement? I changed my own rules to include it in this list. In the past I would’ve relegated it to some harshly graying area of Purgatory as a member of 2016 that I saw in the early hours of 2017, but I could no longer in good conscience do such a thing. AMC is a dramatic powerhouse of a film with fantastic performances, beautiful cinematography, and a story so steeped in honesty that it feels remarkably true. I hadn’t cried during a movie since I was a child and I’d long since grown to believe such a thing was no longer a worry. I was wrong. And the best part? A Monster Calls earned every tear.

2. Arrival: From the moment I saw it, this film seemed like it would be at the top of my list. That suspicion was almost proven correct as the year ran out and a second viewing underscored just what a perfect work of science fiction it was, indeed its only downfall was the arrival (see what I did there?) of J.A. Bayona’s aforementioned fantasy of loss and acceptance. Nevertheless, Denis Villeneuve has now entered that pantheon of directors that includes Christopher Nolan and Nicholas Winding Refn as names that will put me in a theater with absolutely no hesitation.

3. Sing Street: People think I'm not a happy or positive person. Guys, I'm a happy and positive person and I adore happy and positive movies (when they're actually good which is almost never). Sing Street proved just how well a positive movie can be made and it tells a perfect story about young love and the part that music plays in our lives. Also, fun fact, if the ending doesn't make you smile then you have no soul.

4. Hell or High Water: It's been several years since I saw a movie and thought "That Ben Foster guy is going to be great." and I'm happy to say that after 2016, I may still be right. With his performance and those of Chris Pine and Jeff Bridges, who lit up the screen with equal amounts of vigor, they made an impressive trio that brought to life an indie Western that I never saw coming.

5. Kubo and the Two Strings: I make no secrets that it is my opinion (a correct one) that Laika is putting out some of film's best animation and most inventive stories I've ever seen. Kubo is a perfect example of hitting both those high water marks. If you don't like animated movies, give it a chance. If stop-motion isn't your thing, give it a chance. The only reason it didn't make the top three is due to the unfortunate truth that it ran into Arrival, a serious heavyweight, right at the end of the year.

6. The Neon Demon: Disclaimer- I will never recommend this movie to anyone. The only reason I would ever show it to anyone is either A). Because they're as odd as I am. Or B). To see what their reaction will be to what I know is coming. This is not an ordinary film and it sure as hell isn't normal. But it has cinematography that is fantastically brilliant and imagery that, after 9 months, I still have not been able to forget. It has a score that can only come with a Winding Refn movie. And for all it's bizarre and violent morbidity that overwhelms the latter portion of its run-time, from top to bottom it is one of the more fascinating films I've seen in years.

7. Ouija: Origin of Evil: Mike Flanagan. If you're a fan of horror films, remember that name. Honestly, if you're a fan of horror films, you should already know it. This entry to the list added to a fledgling filmography that was already stellar before he released this, the best horror flick of the year. That in itself is saying something with releases such as "Conjuring 2", "The Witch", and "Lights Out" giving it a run for its money, but it blew every single one of them out of the water. With Ouija, Flanagan has proven himself to be a master of pacing who's unafraid of directorial flourishes and throwback approaches to deepen the tone of what he's trying to do: Become THE horror director of the new decade.

8. La La Land: Time will tell if I remember this movie more fondly or if it fades ever so slightly in my mind, but as a lover of musicals this struck most chords for me. The performances, specifically that of Emma Stone, were quite excellent and it was a beautiful love letter to dreams, LA, Jazz, and the classic musicals of a bygone era. It’s nice to see movies like this get made, with their ample heart and greater ambition, and I truly enjoyed my visit to the theater.

9. Rogue One: It’s a Star Wars movie, yes, but do you know what that means to me? Not that much. I have very little allegiance to the series and will always hold to the notion that there was only ever really one good Star Wars movie, but now I look back on that harsh statement and must acknowledge that there are two. Felicity Jones, in her second film on this list of mine, proves why she’ll be a name to watch for quite some time. Darth Vader does the most appalling vicious things that made me squeal with nerdily childish (and sociopathic) glee. And for a Lucasfilm run by Disney, they pulled no punches and allowed all heroes to go out on their shields, dying honorable deaths for the good of resistance and freedom. While some shallow and lacking character development might’ve caused R1 to drop further than I’d anticipated, it still did more than enough to sneak into the top 10.

10. The Accountant: Alright, I’ll admit it. Ben Affleck is pretty decent. But do you know who’s even better? Jon Bernthal. Oh, and that one fellow Gavin O’ Connor, who previously directed Warrior and did so well to make a boring sport look cathartic enough to heal broken brothers. There is no way to adequately describe just how fun this movie is; from its juggling of hyper-violence, to its nuanced approach to childhood disabilities, to its awkward humor that brings a chuckle every time, it knows its purpose as a film from beginning to end and succeeds on every level of entertainment.

11. The Nice Guys: For all intents and purposes, this is a spiritual successor to Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. As soon as I heard that, I was in. Hell, as soon as I saw a trailer of Russell Crowe breaking bones and Gosling paying homage to Lou Costello, I was in. This was hands down the most fun I had in a theater all year, and while its rather light on content the pure entertainment value was more than enough to elevate it onto my best-of list.

12. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them: THIS MOVIE SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN THIS GOOD. IT SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN THIS FUN. And yet here we are. I walked into the theater expecting to kill some time as we all knew the glory days of Harry Potter were behind us and the trailer looked merely ‘meh’ as most trailers do, and yet I left smiling and wishing I had someone to smile and laugh with. That last part isn’t because I’m a lonely sod, but because I went with my father who had no understanding of the Potterverse and, therefore, was confused. Nevertheless, my enthusiasm wasn’t dampened and I adored this little slice of positivity.

13. 10 Cloverfield Lane: John Goodman, if he were ever gone, is back and he’s far more menacing and creepy than any otherworldly being that bombs the world in spaceships. What a fantastic surprise this flick was. It nailed every bit of its tension-building and kept me guessing as to the finer points of its story right up until the acidic end. Cloverfield was a good, fun, monster movie. But 10 Cloverfield Lane? Well, that was just a good damn film.

14. The Witch: Can you understand Old English? Are you repelled by blatantly Satanic horror? How you answer those questions will decide whether or not you enjoy this film, as I had friends who were alarmed by the latter and confused as all hell (god I’m funny) by the former. But me? There’s no ignoring the mastery of craft and dedication that went into this period flick about a family falling apart on the edge of a potentially witch-infested wood.

15. Eye in the Sky: I’m saddened that no one talked about this film more. In a world where the morality of drone warfare is a topic that should always be discussed, this little film starring Aaron Paul, Helen Mirren, and the late great Alan Rickman should’ve received more publicity and accolades. It will leave you shaken and worried, yes, but best of all? It will make you think.

The Ones I Haven’t Quite Seen Yet : The Edge of Seventeen, Moonlight, Manchester By the Sea, and Silence.

The Ones That Should Die in Flames of Dead Dreams:

5. London Has Fallen: Do you know how hard it is to make me fall asleep in a movie? Nearly impossible. I actually thought that it WAS impossible, but no. Then this gem popped up and almost killed me. Devoid of plot, devoid of characters, devoid of any meaning at all, LHF is a perfect picture of the insipidity that action films should avoid. Sadly, it didn’t and we were all the worse for it.

4. The Fifth Wave: Have you ever watched a movie so aggressively terrible and derivative that you were crippled by hysterical laughter and tears for large portions of its runtime? Thanks to this, one more nail in Liev Schreiber’s acting coffin, I can say that I have.

3. Independence Day: Resurgence: FOR GOD’S SAKE! WHY ARE WE STILL FOLLOWING JUDD HIRSCH ON HIS BUS TRAVELS!? WHY IS JEFF GOLDBLUM HERE? WHY DOES EVERYONE LOOK OLD AND SAD? And the real question...what dark bribery did studio execs have over everyone to drag them into this hell-hole of a “movie”?

2. Suicide Squad: Well done. You had talent most comic book movies would’ve once dreamed of...it’d be a shame if...someone were to...ruin everything...

1. Jack Reacher: Never Go Back: If only I’d had the foresight to see the title as the warning it was. If only I’d heard the distant rumblings that hell in cinematic form was coming. If only I’d hidden in the piled corpses of Gerard Butler, Chloe Grace-Moretz, Jared Leto, and Judd Hirsch, so that the monsters couldn’t find me. But they did. And never have I seen so much running across yards. Never have I seen fight scenes filmed so slow and “realistically” that you could swear it was either decrepit Steven Segal or your drunk uncle at a Fourth of July party. Never have I laughed so frequently at closeups used so poorly. The only joy I had in this movie was when I turned to my father halfway through and rebuffed his plea to leave, as he’d chosen this dumpster fire and we were going to ride it out for the sake of harsh mockery in the future. Congratulations, Jack Reacher. Out of all 72 movies I saw this year, you were the worst. Wear that crown of shame with pride, you sack of gingivitis and manure...you earned it.