January Rain

I was happy once, I swear

I don’t remember when

Not really

But I know that if you’d seen me

You would’ve liked to see me there

In a moment as the sunlight

Not merely a man stood in the sun

But that day was something lasting

And even a day can only last so long

Even now, even after all these years

I will still and always ask myself

What you feel, what anyone feels

And if they ever feel the fear

That has set like breaks in broken bones

Like gold that mends fine art

I will always wonder if it’s just me

If I’m alone and have been from the start.

I know that’s not the case

The mathematical odds are just not there

But the loss I feel in another’s smile

It cannot be an accident

Like a car left lost on the side of the road

Red lights blinking

My eyes adrift as a dissociative boat

Now sinking

That tried traveling a misunderstood path

I see every smile, every light in other eyes

And I wonder

I wonder if they feel like that

If they’ve always felt like that

And I wonder if it’s their forever all of the time.

It’s not. I know it’s not.

Because they are like me

And I am like them

Even if it doesn’t feel like it and hasn’t

Not ever

We are cut from the same cloth and yet

Here I am

I flutter and am tattered

I’m a lost flag trampled beneath happy feet.

I know your smile doesn’t last forever

I know that great fragments are all that I see

In my heart, I know that will always be true

But what a joy, I must think

I must cling to it like a lifeline to a man in a lake

What a joy

If your smile could just last forever

And you never had to feel just like me.